they love to tell you stay inside the lines, but something's better on the other side

So, you know how I had these goals for this work party like days and days ago? Well, I shall finally report to you that they have indeed been accomplished. We went to the party on Sunday night. It started out pretty good. I picked Rebecca up from her job in Little 5, but then I realized that Bobbie had only given me directions from 400 and I wasn't sure what was the best way to get there. I know you can get there from 85, but to go south and then back north again sounded like a waste of time. I called Suzanne to ask her and she wanted us to ride with them and then when we declined to follow them. I wished she just would have said how to get there but of course she told me the most complicated way on the phone so that I fell in and ended up going to follow them. It ended up being really close to their house so I'm glad that I didn't bother to go the 85 way. But I was kind of mad because they were acting pissy that we didn't want to ride with them and also of course no one mentioned that it is a toll road. Luckily Rebecca had some change in her pocket so we were ok. It took a pretty long time to get to their house. I didn't really care because I was so excited and I was having a great time being with Rebecca, but it makes me wonder how in the world they stand to drive to the store that far almost every day.

We ended up behind Michelle and just followed her the rest of the way to their house since Jackie and Suzanne ditched us (even though we were supposed to be following them). Oh well. Everybody came... us, Michelle, Jackie and Suzanne, Heather, Luca, Daniel, and of course Bobbie and Jim. We started the night off by them giving us all a card with a check for $1 for every hour we'd worked in the last four weeks. A holiday bonus if you will. I wasn't expecting anything so it was awesome to get some extra cash. Now I am even more ready to buy iSight! We also all got a necklace or bracelet with beads that Bobbie had painted for us. I thought it was an awesome idea. I was so excited to have something from them other than a check and the bracelet she made me is really neat. The only thing that sucks is that it has this clasp that you have to twist so I can't put it on by myself. Always something with me, right?

Then they gave everyone a glass of champange (except me I got Sprite) and made a toast. Soon after we were eating this fabulous Mexican food Bobbie had made. OMG it was sooo good. I could get used to eating that like at least once a week it was so delish! A little spicy, and I probably ate a little more than I should have, but man it was worth it. Then we sat around and talked and such. Of course Jackie was all over Luca the whole time. Geez she really wants a kid. I don't mean anything bad by it, it just bothers me sometimes because she wants one so bad for herself that she's really quick to judge any other mother. Heather is so sweet and beautiful and an absolutely fantastic mother, but I guess Jackie's dissapointment of not having her own yet has kind of led to her being like so overly judgemental and just annoying about it all. I don't think anyone really knew what to say, we just kind of listened I guess. Eventually Heather and Daniel left to take Luca home and the attention of the night turned to the dogs haha.

Jackie and Suzanne brought their little dog Gracie and then Bobbie and Jim's Tazzy (sp?) and Webster (aka Webby) were there. They are all very cute. Gracie is a total queen... queen not princess lol. Tazzy is dumb as a board but so affectionate and energetic. Webby is an old soul, affectionate with calm people but also smarter than the other two dogs. As Bobbie had more to drink she was funnier and funnier. There was more than one time were my stomach hurt from laughing. Of course meanwhile Jim kept everyone's drinks filled to the brim. I don't know, I know I complain about him a lot and he really is an asshole to me much of the time, but I'll give it to him, he pulled off the gracious host thing quite well. It didn't seem like Jackie or Suzanne were having an amazing time, but I was and so was Rebecca and everyone else so I didn 't really want to let it get me down, you know?

At one point Bobbie grabbed me aside and took me downstairs to show me where they pour. I thought that was really cool, especially because a little while ago she had invited me to come over and help her and then Jim told me I couldn't go. I was so pissed off and bummed out about it. But anyways it was nice to see how it all works, especially after all the greenware I've cleaned for them. They really have a cool set up down there.

Then later on Bobbie took me, Michelle, and Rebecca upstairs to see Jim's racing trophies and train collection. It was pretty amazing and funny to see that his neuroticism isn't limited to the store. Then we saw her room (not her bedroom... they use it as a guest room I guess but it has all her stuff in it). She had some really neat art up on the wall in addition to some crazy antique chairs from England. Rebecca and I ended up sitting on the bed, Michelle on one of the chairs, and Bobbie shoved a bunch of stuff aside to sit on the dresser....

... And Rebecca is here! CRAP! My shirt is still in the dryer, g2g

But, on another note, this morning was of course the annual present-opening time. I got very cool things. Well first of all I ought to mention all the amazing things Rebecca got me. So much stuff!! Too much stuff... but I love every single bit of it! There really are even too many things to mention, but my favorites were definitely the monstrous REI waistpack with matching pink Nalgene bottles on either side, the timex ironman watch (with pink detail of course) that has a dual time set so I can have Aussie and ATL time, a black Columbia fleece (like Bobbie's haha), a metallic purplish caribeaner knife/bottle opener, bright pink key chain, flash light key chain, lil caribou from Caribou Coffee (w/ gift card), and the book How WalMart is Destroying America and the World. Well I guess I can't go without mentioning the other things too... like chocolates, a little Cheer Bear (the pink CareBear with a rainbow on its tummy), Nemo & Spongebob coloring books, sweeeet twistable coloring book crayons (why didn't they have those when I was a kid? they are truly brilliant and i can't wait to use them on the plane!), Spongbob playing cards, Spongebob rainbow watch, Spongebob notebook, super cool pens that we always use, Spongebob pajamma pants, bright pink long sleeved shirt that matches the pink in Patrick on the pants... but that I like so much I might wear it out instead, bright pink beach bag, bright pink towel and washcloth, pink soap... lol the list goes on. Hands down the coolest gifts I've ever gotten. They were all super thoughtful, and a lot of them I needed for my trip so now not only do I have one less thing to buy but also I can take them with me and think of her whenever I use them!

Ok, so back to this morning... I only got a few things but they were nice. My parents got me a rolling duffle bag from LL Bean to match a carryon bag I got a few years ago. Unfortunately it's even smaller than I thought it would be. I'm a little worried... no, that's an understatement... I'm a lot worried about getting 6 months worth of stuff in there. Well, I guess I don't have to worry about overpacking as all the Butler lit. warns of. It's a very cool bag though... totally durable, my initials monogramed on it in funky letters, and of course bright yellow! The other big thing I got from my parents was Panther. I had Jaguar but it wasn't allowing me to update my other software for school. Plus the best feature about it is that now I can get iSight and videochat with my girl while I'm away. It'll be really cool for sure. Then I also got a sage-ish colored sweater from my Grandma and a much needed bookstand from my brother.

We just spent the rest of the day relaxing. I went back to bed (since we'd gotten up at 8am to open presents and do the whole family Christmas morning thing) until about 1 or 2... whenever it was Rebecca called. Then I got up and started some major cleaning. I went through a lot of my school papers that had been thrown about the room during finals week stress. Most of those got tossed in the recylcing tote so now you can actually see the carpet. Plus, I cleaned off my desk for the most part, did a quick cleanup in the bathroom and washed my and my futon sheets. A super motivated cleaner? Not entirely. Rebecca is coming over tonight. She's going to spend the night tonight and then go to work tomorrow in 5 points. Then I'm going to pick her up after she's closed the store and we're going to go to my work's Christmas party. Not to sound like a total tool but I'm pretty excited about it. It's always interesting to see where/how people live for one. The food will be great no doubt. Most people will be pretty liquored up... I'll let you know if that's a good or bad thing. Could be very funny... could be very scary. Luckily I'm driving so I can jet if it gets wierd or lame. But the most exciting part is that Bobbie said she is painting something for me! She's an amazing artist, and a pretty thoughtul woman... so it will be very interesting to see what it is / what it looks like! I have no idea. I didn't even expect anything. I kind of thought this party was the employee present. Oh well. I hope it's fun because I'm really excited about it. Goals for the night: have a good time, look cuter than my usual dipping drabs, and get a hug from Bobbie, hehehe.

Now to go surf the net a little, figure out how in the world I'm going to get everything on my packing list into my bag, and hopefully run into a few long lost friends on instant messenger. Merry Christmas!

So, nothing too creative for today, just a long overdue check-in if you will. It seems another Christmas has come and soon will be gone. Last night I went to a Christmas Eve service at the First Pres. in Midtown. I'd been there a few times before but never for a holiday service. Instead of having a sermon, they did a bunch of musical numbers and then nine lessons in carols. It started off seeming really really long. I guess that could be attributed to the choral numbers one after another in Latin no less. Still, I thought they did a great job. Especially the counter tenor was incredible. Interestingly enough, as soon as he started singing, I could see the heads of those in the congregation in front of me waiver back and forth trying to get a good look at him. Wait, that's a man with an amazing women's operetic voice? Is this a joke? No no of course not. It really was amazing to think such a voice came from a man. It wasn't just the pitch, it was surprisingly strong, that he had not difficulty filling the large sanctuary with its vibrancy.

My favorite part of the service was at the very end when everyone sang Silent Night. The flame of the Christ candle slowly made its way throughout the congregation from the front of the church, throughout the choir members descending down the aisles, and then finally zig zagged its way down the pews to the back where I was sitting with my family. By the last stanza, everyone had lit their candle, and we all raised them up as we sang the final words. It was incredibly beautiful and eiry. The multitude of faces were iluminated by the flickering lights from each wick. It truly was an awesome sight.

I am thinking Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone has at least one. That song that you hear and you just can't get enough of. It makes you tear up, smile, and hit repeat over and over again. You love it so much, you want to tell all your friends about it. Half the time you don't know most of the words, can't necessarily hum it very well, or remember more than a few bars of the song. But it seeps into your body, flows through your viens, and feels as though it's become a part of you that you won't soon lose. Sometimes I remember songs from specific moments. I remember where I was the first or second time I ever heard a song. When John Mayer's first CD came out, I had just gone on a trip to California. I played it over and over again on my iPod on the drive up to Los Angeles to see a prospective college and my long lost pal Josh who I knew from when we had both lived in Memphis. However, with other songs you can't even remember when you first heard the artist. There is one song lately that has not been able to escape my thoughts. A few weeks back, Rebecca and I went with some friends from my work to a Tegan & Sara and Melissa Ferrick concert at Variety Playhouse in Little Five Points.

As we drove past the front of the playhouse to go find parking, my eyes scanned across the long line of all women. Having heard a few songs from the two artists, it wasn't too surprising to see that this was the following. Most had short hair cuts, a few had leather, most were very cute. I hate to say that they were all gay, because I don't think anyone can possibly deduce that from a driveby crowd scan, or really any situation in general. I've gotten my hair cut rather short on more than one occasion, and one would be amazed at the kind of assumptions people make. However the obvious handholding and kissing as we walked in the door showed that most were lesbian and/or trans.

What caught me by surprise was how young most of the people were. Though my gay hangout experience hasn't been too broad since I don't know of too many good clubs and I'm not quite 21, I guess I have spent most of my time with people at least ten years older than me. I wouldn't say that it is necessarily a bad thing. I love hanging out with people older than me because sometimes I honestly feel like they understand me better than most people my age. But anyway, I had never in my life been amongst so many young gay/trans kids! It was fantastic. Right from the start there was this atmosphere that's almost indescribable. An overwhelming sense of comfort, acceptability, inclusion, understanding, and love came over me. I have often felt smaller scales of such feelings before, as I do think that most gay people can relate on some level because of the lack of acceptance or fear or hatred we've all felt at at least one point in our lives.

Tegan and Sara were on first, and they certainly did a great job. I mean c'mon, they're Canadian lesbian twins, how could that possibly be bad? Then Melissa Ferrick came on. Honestly I wasn't very into Melissa Ferrick before the concert. It wasn't that I didn't like her, I think looking back at it now that I just hadn't heard enough of her music. Her performance was absolutely incredible. I can't recall a better performance in my entire life. The way she played guitar, she must have muscles in her arms that the rest of us don't. I'm not even sure how many songs she sang, but it was a long concert! And not long in the sense that you start looking at your watch... it was just one after another. I had the most spectacular continuous adrenalin rush throughout, that I wondered why people feel the need to do drugs... when they could just attend a Ferrick concert instead.

The best song of the night, the one that strikes me to this day is "Welcome to My Life." It was the last song she performed, right after "Drive." The guitar part isn't anything amazing compared to some of her other songs, but there is something about the combination of the tune with the lyrics that is intoxicating. It's the kind of song that you hear at just the right moment, and it's telling all your feelings that you didn't think could be put into words. Now if you read the lyrics (posted previous to this) you might think to yourself um this is about her touring, how could that be describing you? So, note the similarities...

When she sings of waking up and grabbing a cup of coffee, it reminds me of road trips I've been on or even getting ready in the morning to go to school... often the daily ones are my biggest journeys. Pulling into one more city is like pulling into one more experience... they certainly don't have to be in different locations with different people to feel this way. "So I promise to grab my soul and leave my ego at the door, I'm gonna open up my eyes" is to me like some kind of daily / life goal. Everyday I try to make a conscious effort to be unconsciously soulful. Each day I try to put a crack in one more brick of this wall I hide behind. It's still about shoulder-high, but I've shown enough of myself that there's no turning back. I don't want to go back... I feel like people are finally seeing me for who I really am, and they love me. They love me more than when I was trying to be something else. Trying to be the straight, girly, whatever person I thought they expected and wanted. I'm not like everyone else... I'm like no one else, and it's all good. I do it for me, I do it for God, and that's all I need.

"So c'mon sing along if ya wanna; Cry is ya hafta, Lean back into your lover's arms; Grab the hand of the person standing right next to you" Is such a fantastic group of lyrics to me. The beginning is telling you it's alright... feel it as you do. Be open with your emotions, what you feel is real. Take in the moment with how you feel and just live it. Don't focus on what happened at work earlier or will be due in class the next day. Don't think about election results, laws that restrict your honest loving life, or people who fear what they don't understand. There are others like you and how you feel is all valid. Let your lover support you, embrace you, comfort you... let them be who they are too. And the final line about grabbing the hand of the person standing right next to you is so powerful to me. It is that link of the gay community, of the girl community, the trans community, the human being community. I think that when someone is made to feel like they are less for religion, race, sexuality, gender, national origin, whatever... it's an experience you never forget or that never goes away. But when I was at this concert there really was this amazing sense of love and acceptance. As long as those lights were dimmed, the walls vibrating, crowd cheering, Melissa singing, we all were able to escape our usual daily realities... and that was the biggest reality of all.

Those words were followed by "Show them we are not afraid of who we are; Nobody is afraid of who we are here" is what still makes me tear up... thinking about it or listening to it on my iPod like I am doing tonight. It's not about just if you are gay or just a girl or anything else. That idea of limitless welcomness is such an incredible concept I wish I could feel in things other than a concert. But in the same sense, this was the kind of concert that stays with you long after the last person has left the parking lot. It resonates in my head over and over. When I have a bad day, when I have a good day. When I comfort someone, when I make someone feel a little more welcome or accepted, when I know I've done something to make someone's life a little better... that's what it's all about.